Pepy's Diary (1989 Version)

A shy young maid has took a room down at the village inn
Her bedside light is, oh, so bright, and the curtains, oh, so thin
At nine o'clock, she enters her room; at half past nine, she sleeps
Lord Clarendon walks quickly on, but naughty Samuel peeps

(For we know it's right, it's in black and white
And it's all written down in his diary)

I went to rent a lady's house, she handed me the key
She said: It's to be let as it stands with all that you can see
And are you to be let with the house? Said I, in a very saucy tone
She said: I'm not to be let with the house, I'm to be let alone

(For we know it's right, it's in black and white
And it's all written down in his diary)

Squire Pitt locked his wife in her chastity belt, then climbed up on his horse
He left the key with a footman lest he was killed in the wars
He'd not gone far when up ran the footman shouting breathlessly
He said: Squire Pitt, this key doesn't fit! He said: You're telling me!

(For we know it's right, it's in black and white
And it's all written down in his diary)

Halfway up a wall outside a castle in Tranmere
There is a sign that reads: The Duke of Denby was born here
I've traveled far and I've traveled wide, but ne'er can I recall
Ever hearing of a duke born halfway up a wall

(For we know it's right, it's in black and white
And it's all written down in his diary)

Last Thursday morn', my wife gave birth to a lovely baby boy
As the doctor took me to see them, my heart was filled with joy
When he said: He's got your husband's nose
My wife looked quite surprised
She said: That may be, but you must agree, he's got his father's eyes

(For we know it's right, it's in black and white
And it's all written down in his diary)
Yes, we know it's right, it's in black and white
And it's all written down in his diary!