The Life Of Jake (The Legend Of El Paso)

Now, to the side of Catcher's Lake
There lives a big guy known as Jake
Why, he's so tough he leaves the shells on when he swallows clams
Why, he's so hard and mean and cruel
He darns his socks with steel wool
He's so stupid he thinks it comes from hydraulic rams

He's got a neighbor called Leroy
And he sure does hate this boy
'Cause he's a smartass, got a quick brain in his head
Why, he could sell a nudist clothes
Or ice cream to Eskimoes
I reckon he could even sell the Pope a double bed

Jake is at the bar swillin' gin
When young Leroy ambles in
Says: Ain't been in this here place since I was a kid
I see they've done up the saloon
But I sure do miss that old spittoon
And Jake looks up and says: Boy, you always did

There is trouble brewin' in El Paso
Very soon, there's gonna be a showdown
Men, forget your guns and lassos
And womenfolk, get out of town

Leroy says: Why is he such a louse?
And last week, I was in his house
He entertained me royally, I had quite a groove
And by the side of my plate of ham
I seen a napkin with a monogram
Or I thought it was until I saw it move

I ain't gonna say he's mean
But outside his house I seen
A man with a bill for five days on the run
Jake says: Look, I shoot to kill
Would you swear that was a man with a bill?
He said: Well, either that or a duck with a stetson on

Jake said: You pushed my grandpa off the roof
He said: You know that ain't the truth
He just slipped into the rain barrel with my cousin Beth
And for hours, Annet and Carol
Tried to sorta lift him outta the barrel
Well, that old boy was ecstasy'd to death

There is trouble brewin' in El Paso
Very soon there's gonna be a showdown
Men, forget your guns and lassos
And womenfolk, get out of town

Leroy says: You oughta take more care
When you go out a-huntin' bear
You shot my prized pig and watched him die
Jake says: To show my heart's real big
I'm gonna replace your pig
He says: Okay, you'll find the sow out in the sty

He says: I like Jenny Lark
She claims that one night, in the dark
She was raped by your son, Joe, she swears it's true
He said: Well, if it was dark, how did she know
That it was my son, Joe?
He said: Because she had to show him what to do

Leroy puts down his beer
He says: I'm gettin' outta here
He wanders off into the night so black
Then, they see Jake depart
And they know that in their heart
Only one of them boys is a-comin' back

Jake was buried outta town
Just six feet underground
And they couldn't pin his murder on a soul
Because he was tyin' up a knot
In his shoelace when he was shot
And the sheriff never found the bullet hole

There is no more trouble in El Paso
Time for us to have a real high hoedown
Throw away your guns and lassos
This is a real nice peaceful town